Tag: limiting beliefs

  • Top-10 Beliefs That Are Ruining Your Life

    Top-10 Beliefs That Are Ruining Your Life

    Wait a sec. How can a belief ruin your life? It’s just a measly little set of biochemical connections in your mind, no way can it have that kind of impact…. right!?

    What if you believed that all water is toxic? If you truly believed this, deep-down, you’d avoid all sources of water… and soon, you’d die. It’s not the water that is toxic, it’s the belief.

    All beliefs are that way. Most of us are comfortable in our beliefs because we’ve surrounded ourselves with other people who hold similar ones. That helps us feel “safe,” because most of us have a herd-like evolutionary (unconscious) belief of “safety in numbers.”

    But being part of a herd doesn’t mean that our beliefs are supporting our progress towards things that matter. Whether the things you want are better work-life balance, more recognition, more money or funding, or whatever – it is most likely your own (toxic) beliefs that hold you back from having those things.

    1. I’m nobody important, and I’m not sure why they gave me this position/accolade/promotion! In a world of over 7 billion people, it’s sometimes hard to feel important – and that means it’s much harder to achieve anything big. When we’re younger, most of us have our parents filling the role of seeing us as important. Then there’s a transition to adulthood, and most of us never replace the parental role with our own inner sense of importance. Believing in your own unimportance leads to self-sabotaging behaviors that will slow or halt progress towards things that you care about.
    2. There’s never enough time to get it all done This time-scarcity belief causes its holders to rush around, always hurrying, cramming and jamming into every possible moment every possible action until exhaustion comes. Yet, if you’re trying to achieve a new situation or goal, that doesn’t come from frenzied activity and lack of sleep. No, the source of change is always clarity, and clarity generally only comes easily to a rested and relaxed mind. A single action made in clarity can be as effective as 100 actions taken without clarity. Stop. Breath. Get clarity, then act.
    3. It’s a dangerous world out there Fear is a paralyzing feeling. How much can you accomplish towards your goals when you’re paralyzed? (hint: none). The more you believe in the world being a dangerous place due to politics, violence, environmental destruction, or whatever, it’s the belief in danger that will hold you back from making things happen.
    4. I’m better/smarter/wiser than my colleagues When you get a rejection, it’s easy to start pointing fingers at “stupid” colleagues that “don’t get it.” Yet that ego-driven attitude also subtly places you in the role of victim and pawn to “them.” This is a disempowering belief, because it prevents you from seeing the blind spots in you where improvement may be needed to get the results you want. Humility is essential to self-improvement, and ego gets in the way.
    5. There’s never enough money or funding to go around This belief in money scarcity reproduces itself in your life when you carry it around. Just look at the facts: there are trillions of dollars and other currencies flowing around the world. Some people (including some of your colleagues) are better at diverting a bigger portion of that flow (both in And out). However, if you’re caught in scarcity, you’re often focused on tightening down the outflow. Think about this: what happens when you turn a faucet — which regulates outflow — to a trickle? You get a trickle of an IN flow. Now, let’s say your faucet is wide open but the flow isn’t very good. It requires a totally different set of mental and physical tools to increase the inflow than it does to reduce outflow. However, if you have a belief that the in-flow is scarce, your focus will be mainly on limiting out-flow, and you’ll be forever caught in a loop of limitation.
    6. Great work speaks for itself There’s this belief amongst idealists that if you do some great work – whether it’s a scientific breakthrough, a new invention, a novel, or whatever – that you’ll get recognized for it. While it is true that some people do get recognized for such greatness posthumously, the question is whether you want to wait until you’re dead to get the rewards for your work. If you’d rather have some of those rewards here and now, then a belief that “Great work speaks for itself” is toxic. It is exceedingly rare that “great work” alone is enough to speak for itself. No, great work must have an effective spokesperson to get it out into the world, and that spokesperson is always one and the same as the originator of the work. (Unless you happen to be a billionare, and can hire a full-time PR team). It is only by embracing the idea that you are responsible for “marketing” your work to the world, and learning how to do it more effectively, that your cure/invention/idea/novel/etc is likely to get into the hands of other people where it can have its intended impact – and bring you recognition/money/reward as a result.
    7. It’s dangerous to be “vulnerable” with my colleagues Many people are extremely guarded around their colleagues, because they believe if they show any “weakness” it will be exploited by hostiles. However, research by Dr. Brené Brown and colleagues has clearly shown that it is psychologically unhealthy to exist in a closed-in cocoon of guardedness. It prevents us from making deep and meaningful connections with people in our lives, and it also prevent us from acting boldly. Doing anything great requires “putting yourself out there” and being willing to be criticized. If you’re locked in a guarded shell, you’ll be unable to make the bold leaps that are required to accomplish anything truly great. This means being forever locked in a cycle of mediocrity. Vulnerability is essential to great accomplishment.
    8. I have to do exactly as my boss/chair/dean/supervisor says in order to succeed If you work at a big-chain-fast-food-joint, then perhaps it’s essential for you to do exactly as people above you say. But when you’re in a position that requires leadership – such as being a faculty member or entrepreneur – you must be willing to follow your inner drive and your own vision, even if it means going in a different direction than someone else thinks you should. Often well-meaning advisors/mentors/bosses tell us things such as “you must apply for more grants.” Many of us try to be people pleasers and therefore to follow such advice. However, at the end of the day, leadership is one of the most essential attributes we must develop, and leadership always means listening to your own inner authority first and foremost. This doesn’t mean ignoring input from others, but it does mean that as a leader you make your own decisions and take full responsibility for them.
    9. I’m struggling because the system is messed up The system may well be messed up but this is never why any individual is struggling. Even in terrible systems or bad economies, there are always people who do well. It is tempting to believe that that’s due to luck, but it rarely is. Instead, it’s due to a spirit of entrepreneurialism, creativity, and fearlessness. While TV and movies would have you believe that its only the greedy, power-monging manipulators who succeed in rough environments, the reality is quite different. The Great Depression produced a large crop of millionaires, many of whom made their fortunes by ignoring the “depressive” sentiment of their time to act boldly in starting new businesses. The choice of whether you thrive or not has everything to do with your own attributes of entrepreneurialism and creativity, and very little to do with the external environment around you.
    10. I’m just a meaningless blip in a vast, cold, universe Humans thrive on meaning and purpose. All great works throughout human history have resulted from people who felt driven by some bigger purpose. So, if you believe that the universe is a hard, cold, meaningless place, that belief will stand like a big cement wall smack dab in your path to achieving important things. It doesn’t matter whether you believe that there’s something bigger/deeper than the material world we see or not, but if you lack purpose and meaning you will be ineffective and mediocre. So, getting rid of this belief and finding your own personal sense of meaning, purpose, and even wonder is like rocket fuel for great accomplishment.
    11. That all top-10 lists should only have 10 items I included this one just to show you the power of your own belief… and to demonstrate the automatic cognitive dissonance that occurs when a belief is violated. I also included it a a tribute to the movie Spinal Tap 😉

    There are plenty more where those come from, but if you found resonance in one or more of these, going to work on them will yield a tremendous bounty in your life.

     

     

  • Speed Kills… And I’m not talking about the highways

    speed kills

    speed kills

    I was out cross country skiing with my 8 yr old daughter the other day. It was her first time on “skate” Skiis, a form of XC skiing that requires a lot of timing and coordination to pull off. She was doing quite well given that it was her first time doing it. I was skiing slowly and staying with her to offer encouragement and support. After several miles and lots of wipeouts, she was still in good spirits, and was getting into the rhythm of it.

    We’d been unintentionally tag-teaming with three college students from Montana State. Or at least that’s what their team-logo jackets advertised as they would speed past, then pause to chat and snack while we would catch up and pass them. They clearly thought of themselves as the “cool crowd” out on the trails that day, since they were a “team” and everyone else were just nobodies out skiing to “just” enjoy themselves.

    Maybe they didn’t like being passed by a 40-something woman and her 8 year old. After the second time this happened, as they came flying past, the guy in the rear turned to us and said: “Nice Snowshoes“ while looking at our skiis, then he sped on.

    I had no idea what he was talking about. I like to be be oblivious at times. When I’m feeling good, enjoying time with my daughter, out on the trails, why worry about what some kid who’s barely out of puberty thinks?

    Besides, I didn’t get the “Snowshoes” remark. We were on skiis. So we finished out our skiing and I thought nothing more of it. My daughter was excited to try it again. When any of my kids do that, it is always a good sign that they enjoyed it.

    Dreams as clues

    Consciously I’d not thought about the remark again, but apparently my subconscious mind wasn’t finished. That night, I found myself as a teenager again, a bit awkward and definitely an ‘outsider.’ We were at a party of some kind, at a house with large, fancy glass doors. There was a group of teenagers who were ridiculing me for being slow. After suffering their taunting, I ended up outside and the glass doors were banged shut. I could see them laughing about me, but could no longer hear their words. I was shut out. I felt isolated, scared, and sad.

    That was enough to wake me up. I don’t often have bad dreams nowadays, so this caught my attention. As I tossed and turned, I realized something: It wasn’t just the guy from Montana State or the dream, several other things had happened recently along these same lines.

    Just two days before the “Montana State Incident” I’d been in the chairlift line with my older daughter. There are three different “feeder” lines that all merge into one line to get on the lift. Normally at our local resort people are quite friendly (no, this is not the East Coast, yay). The standard routine is to alternate who merges into the main line. In five years of skiing here, I can recall only one or two times where people were rude about it and tried to “butt” in line.

    Well, this time there were – surprise – three ~16 year old girls in line who didn’t feel that they needed to be polite. They were in a God-given rush to get to the top, and felt entitled to cut in front of people to get there. They were attempting to cut in front of us, following directly on the heels of the other skiers from their “feeder” line without waiting.

    Now, I can be cantankerous with teenage bullies. Maybe it’s because I suffered enough bullying at their hands as a teenager until I started “fighting back” that I still have some of that fight left in me. I made sure to wedge my skiis in front of theirs, making space for my daughter and I in our rightful place in the merged line.

    Their response was some kind of rude comment about our ski pants. Neither my daughter or I could hear what the remark was or which one of us it was directed at, but it was clearly meant for us, and was derogatory. After we got on the lift, my 11 year old said the word ”teenagers” while shaking her head and sighing. That’s funny coming from a pre-teen! Maybe there’s hope for her yet!

    Anyway, those wonderful teenagers then proceeded to have a party on the chairlift, with loud music blaring and snide comments being lobbed at other skiers down below on the hill. After my daughter and I got off, they sped past haughtily, clearly showing us they were too cool.

    Three times is one too many

    It would have been easy to ignore one of those incidents alone, but the combination – including the dream – were clues to something deeper. When multiple “coincidences” happen along the same lines in a short span of time, it pays to take heed and understand what the deeper cause is.

    coincidence

    By “deeper cause” I am referring to what’s going on inside your own conscious and subconscious mind that brought these events to the forefront of your life. Coincidences of this sort always have lessons to teach, but unfortunately, most of us dismiss them as “just random” and we ignore them. In ignoring them, we invite more such events into our lives. These events are our inner being’s way of nudging us to learn something new and important. That inner being often communicates via events rather than words, because most of us have very noisy heads where any words just get lost in a sea of constant dialog.

    So, I’d rather “get” the lesson instead of repeating the same pattern over an over again with different faces and places, always feeling victimized like “the world is out to get me.”

    Those teenagers were the messenger

    My 3AM reflections while I tossed and turned in bed, pulling the sheets and blankets into a mess, came down to one word: speed. These teenagers – both the real ones and the dream ones – were all taunting me for being slow. The “snowshoes” comment by the Montana guy was implying that we might as well have been walking on snowshoes at the (slow) speed we were going.

    I found that intriguing, because I’m finally at a point in life where I’ve found some balance in not always rushing from one thing to the next. Yet part of me is still afraid: afraid that by slowing down in my life, I’ll be left behind. Here the universe was echoing that back at me, showing me how bogus it actually was.

    Ten years ago, back when I was younger and had a severe case of “testosterone poisoning,” skiing slow with my daughter and being passed by some young skiers would have been excruciating. I probably would have raced ahead to “prove” to them that I was just as fast (or faster), and only after proving that, returned to my daughter to see how she was doing.

    This time I had no such urge – at least not consciously.

    But there’s the rub. At a subconscious level, I was still feeling “left behind.” I haven’t reconciled my conscious beliefs – which are all about slowing down, focusing on quality and experience – with my subconscious beliefs, which come from that teenage version of me that was frequently “left behind.”

    My brother’s visit

    Why did this happen now? It just so happened that my older brother and his family were visiting us. If there’s one thing that’s true for most older brothers (or sisters), they don’t like being “slowed down” by their younger siblings. When growing up, I was left behind by my brother all the time — and sometimes taunted for being slow by he and his friends. I grew up having a “thing” about being left behind. It often seemed to happen, even though I hated it.

    I don’t hold a grudge about my brother’s actions now, 30+ years later — at least not consciously. But his presence, along with other things going on in my life and business, triggered this issue for me to recognize and go to work on. The teenagers, the dream, and my brother’s presence were all just hints that I had an opportunity to recognize and work on something that was holding me back in several areas of my life.

    And, here’s why this may be relevant to you. It’s not just something that has caused problems for me, it’s an all-pervasive MEME in our culture that causes problems for most of us.

    That meme is that going fast is superior to going slow. It comes with a whole related set of beliefs, such as:

    • You have to keep up with the Joneses, or you will be cast out to the wolves (or at least subject to great ridicule)
    • You have to work hard and fast to get anywhere worthwhile in life
    • If you’re a mom, you have to work hard all day, then be a great mom in the evening, and on top of it be a great partner, lover, and so on. Don’t ever slow down and take a break for yourself, or you’ll be thrown to the wolves!
    • That if you’re in research or business, you have to move really fast or be left behind by the competition in a “career wasteland.”

    It’s like we’re all plugged into our own little Lamborghinis with the foot to the metal 24/7. At least, until the engine blows up from overheating (i.e. heart attack), the gas runs out (chronic fatigue), etc. Ironically, most of us are just going in circles at 180 mph, and never really getting “anywhere” nor enjoy the journey on our way to that big blowout.

    Strange, isn’t it? We humans are an odd lot…

    My problem: wanting to go slow and feeling left behind

    I’ve long believed that this pace of “going nowhere fast” was unhealthy. I’ve cultivated a life where I can spend time with my daughters as they grow, where I can write a leisurely blog post like this, where I can sip my coffee in the morning without feeling the need to jump into work immediately just to “keep up.” And, ironically, it’s made me far more productive on the things that count (like getting books written and course lessons made).

    Yet there’s that part of me that’s still freaked out over the issue of feeling like I’m being left behind. I’ve often felt conflicted. Consciously, I know that taking days off with my family makes me more productive at work when I return to it. Subconsciously, there’s always been this dread, this fear, of being left behind, of not keeping up, of things falling apart…

    Unfortunately, the subconscious part, combined with all the constant cultural messages about “going fast,” has too frequently won out, causing me to “work hard” just due to fear of being left behind. I know I’m not the only one for whom that’s true. I don’t actually think that most people, if you asked them, would say that they want to constantly speed through life with little time to savor the important things. Yet if you look around, how many people actually translate that into action? Very few.

    Most people I encounter are feeling very rushed, always.

    When there’s a conscious/subconscious clash, healing is the key

    Most of us are walking around with more than one of these conscious/subconscious clashes. In order to identify yours, just look at any area of your life where you keep wanting things to improve, but they never really seem to in a lasting way. It could be weight loss, it could be grant funding, it could be cash flow, or it could be your relationship with your partner.

    Any time there’s been a persistent, chronic problem in your life, it’s a sign of the clash. When you have such a clash going on between subconscious beliefs and your conscious desires, the subconscious always wins. That is, until you do some reprogramming work to get rid of the conflicting subconscious garbage. Then you can finally straighten out the Lamborghini and get somewhpersistent problemere, while enjoying the journey.

     

    Pay attention to the signs

    Whatever is the “big issue” for you right now in your life, signs and clues are there, waiting for you to find. They can come in the form of people, circumstances, dreams, or fears, among others. Rather than ignoring them, take heed. Keep a journal, note when you seem to keep facing the same situation again and again.

    And ask yourself: what belief do I hold at the subconscious level that’s actually causing this cycle over and over again?

    If you do this, you’ll often be amazed by the power of what you find. If you take this exercise seriously, it has the power to completely transform your life.

  • How to be a "nice girl" in 9 easy steps

    How to be a "nice girl" in 9 easy steps

    We are often told that, as girls, we’ve got to be “nice” – or ELSE. (Or else what? Someone might not like us or might not approve of us! This is the horror of horrors!)

    Since I like to be occasionally helpful on this here little blog of mine, I thought that therefore I need to write up the rules for being nice just in case you are struggling with that. Don’t say I never did anything for you! Because, I’m nice!

    Morgan’s 9 steps to being certified as a “nice girl”:

    1. Make sure to please everyone around you (especially the men in your life) before you take care of yourself! This one is absolutely essential to being a nice girl. If you aren’t in full-on self sacrifice mode, you are doing something very, very wrong. You should definitely not be going on that date with your girlfriends for a massage or whatever, because you’ve got some pleasing to do! Your man (Or men) and even sometimes the women in your life (like mom) need you, and need you now. How can I know that? Because this is a full-time job. And by full-time I don’t mean one of those easy little 40 hour per week gigs, I mean full-time as in all the time. (I know it’s weird to have to explain the literal definition of full-time, but most people think of it as some milk toast, half-hearted effort put out on behalf of an employer. Nope.)

    Here are a few signs and symptoms that you are not doing your job #1 quite right: you are in good health, you get plenty of sleep, your career is going well, and you spend time alone and/or with friends.

    If those are the case, you are headed for trouble, sister. You are going to disappoint someone and God forbid, you are going to feel horrible. So just don’t do it. Don’t even be tempted.

    Know your place.

    2. Act like a servant at all times, because you are one. Nice girls make sure to please their “master(s).” Displeasing the master(s) is definitely not nice. And we are the epitome of nice, right? So we please the masters, which are 90% of the time male, with the occasional woman thrown in the mix just to keep us on our toes.

    Great servants: always say “yes sir” or “yes ma’am”, they always smile even when being berated, they know what master wants and have it ready for him before he even knows it himself, they bow down, they denigrate themselves, and they know their place in the scheme of things, which is below/beneath the master. (sometimes literally – yes, that’s what I mean you dirty pervert, nice girls don’t think those thoughts!!).

    3. Be gracious to everyone, no matter what. This is just so essential for a nice girl, being gracious, smiling always, and even if someone does something really rude like groping your breasts in a public place or copping a feel on the subway, you just smile and laugh it off. Because, after all, they’re only men and they don’t know any better. So we just have to forgive and forget and play nice and overlook little flaws like public groping, because he didn’t really mean it, or maybe worse, his mom wasn’t a nice girl, and therefore he got all screwed up in the head and it was her fault, not his, that he turned out this way.

    And definitely, if your man occasionally likes to get a bit abusive, just forgive and forget, and smile! Because he is a poor victim of that stuff those medical people call testosterone (possibly mixed with alcohol), and so he has a very good excuse for being out of control. It must be really really difficult to handle that swirling mix of chemicals without going into a rage from time to time, and we nice girls make sure that we understand and give lots of leeway for this. Also, when it comes to our own hormonal swings, we definitely must medicate when that happens, because it would be totally not nice to get even slightly grouchy with him.

    And by the way, drinking any more than a few sips of wine is not nice! We might just lose control and let a few snarky comments about our situation slip out. Or worse, we might actually tell someone about the abuse that is happening and get our man in trouble. Our niceness certification might be permanently revoked and that would be not good.

    4. We take responsibility for everyone! This is a big one ladies. Other people just can’t take care of themselves, only we can take care of them. That’s our job here on the planet as nice girls, and we have to do it with verve and vigor!

    If your partner likes to drink and smoke (including pot) regularly – even around the kids – that’s fine, because he’s just not capable of doing any better. It must be something that you did that caused him to need to medicate himself regularly. So it is your job and your responsibility to make sure that he’s comfortable, safe, and secure no matter what.

    And, what if he withdraws his amorous affections from you? This is your responsibility too. You must have let yourself get just a little too fat, or have forgotten to wear your makeup or something (make sure to do some serious self evaluation here for how youcaused the problem)!

    By the way, the same stuff applies to mom and dad. You are their shining star, their beautiful little angel, who’s always there for them, especially when they are having one of their moments (3-4 times a day) when they need you to drop everything to run an errand for them, or talk them through some drama on the phone, or have them over for dinner, or what have you. (Nice girls don’t put limits on the kinds of things they will do to please others, so we have to leave it open here)

    Just remember at all times: if someone around you is not fully happy or content, it is your fault and you must take responsibility, now.

    Or else…

    5. Don’t get confused by this nice thing: nice girls aren’t nice to themselves!This one is a bit difficult for us nice girls to get, because it involves complicated and contradictory logic that we can’t really understand. But that’s okay, we weren’t meant to understand it. We weren’t built that way. We were just meant to be nice (to others).

    So let’s spell it out really clearly and post this where we can see it every day just to make sure we don’t forget.

    When it comes to ourselves, the “be nice” rule *does not apply,* ever. We are **not** here to be selfish, greedy people who take care of ourselves. We are here to sacrifice for others at all times, and that is it.

    Let’s give some real-life examples just to make sure this one sinks in.

    Let’s say that your friend Sue calls you up and says: hey, I am going for a walk in an hour, do you want to join me? It’s a beautiful day and some sunshine might do you good!

    Say NO. Because you have laundry to do, or something that is far more important than getting fresh air and sunshine for yourself. As a matter of fact, make sure that you spend this nice day in the basement or the laundry room, because that is what nice girls do.

    Another: let’s say you’re feeling tired and like a cold is coming on, and you really just want to rest. Don’t do it, it’s a trap!

    Once you give into your craven desire to take care of yourself, this slippery slope will just go down and down and down, and soon enough you may find yourself in divorce court trying to explain how it all started with a little nap. This is the path of Satan – just realize, he is tempting you to turn on those you love by convincing you that you should do things to take care of yourself.

    You shouldn’t.

    Because nice girls don’t take care of ourselves, it is not in our nature. We only take care of others. Remember that and you will do well in your indentured servitude here in this life.

    6. Look pleasing to the eyes at all times just in case a man is watching. 

    I know that these are a lot of rules to keep up with, and that it can get a little confusing. So, sometimes we let this one slide just a bit as we’re trying to keep up with all the rules, but we can’t. It will be a catastrophe.

    We must look pretty at all times! Period!

    Our body is here for the pleasure of others, plain and simple. Whether it’s to look at or to use in other ways, it is not ours, it is his. And we must dress and act the part!

    So if you’ve gotten a bit sloppy with your makeup routine, you need to start waking up earlier to make sure that you’re doing it correctly! (A rough guideline: if you’re not spending at least 45 minutes in the morning on your makeup and hair, you are slacking, and nice girls are not slackers!)

    Always, always shave. Shave everything (except your head, of course!). Any extra hairs you have might disgust him and have him compare you with an ape. You are not an ape! You are his goddess (and by the way, it’s your fault that he fell from grace in the first place, so remember that if you ever start feeling resentful about all this nice girl stuff. If you hadn’t tempted him, we’d all be in heaven right now).

    And, definitely get rid of all cellulite, wrinkles, or anything else that might displease the eye or convey anything even slightly less than perfection. God made Clostridium botulinum – aka “botulism” – for a reason! It was so that we could extract the toxin and inject it into our faces to keep them wrinkle free at all times, even when we’re 70!

    For that matter, make sure that you have a personal savings account for one reason and one reason only: to pay for the treatments you will need as you get older to keep being pleasing to the eye. Those treatments get expensive, and you can’t expect your man to pony up for them! No! That’s not nice.

    If you get tempted to spend your savings on anything else – like a lunch out with girlfriends – just don’t do it. Nice girls have self control and don’t waste their money on niceties like lunch dates. We put all our effort and money towards keeping up the perfect image for those around us who depend on it!

    7. Be everything to all people at all times. Even though we’re definitely not in the same camp as those crazy women’s lib types, we do agree with them on one thing.

    We must be all things to all people at all times, aka, superwomen. Here are a few examples:

    • Say that our man is struggling to pay the rent. We go out and get a night-shift job (one that starts after the kids are in bed and hubby is sexually satisfied, of course!), to bring in the extra income. We don’t need sleep because we’re not here for self gratification like sleep, we are here to take care of others. Period.
    • Say that mom is struggling because she has no friends except us, and she is feeling really lonely, so she calls us on the phone in the middle of work to “chat.” We must, must not let our work interfere with her needs! If we have to, we catch up on work after everyone else is in bed, and after we’ve completed our night shift at the bargain store. But when mom calls, we take her call, every time, and we stay with her on the phone until she is satisfied.

    I think you’re getting this nice girl stuff pretty well by now, so I shouldn’t need to give you more examples. But before we go, there is one more tricky thing that you have to watch out for. I hesitate to even bring it up, because, really, it is kind of a minefield of potential manipulation. In many ways it would be better for you to just stay totally ignorant. But then you might get trapped by it without even knowing it, and we wouldn’t want to lose you from the nice girl club. So, I’ll go ahead:

    8. Be extremely wary of anyone who tells you that you should claim your own power or take care of yourself Anyone who does that is not your friend. They are quite likely just women’s libbers in disguise, sent here by Satan (or one of his minions) to manipulate you into thinking that you actually have rights to an independent life of happiness here on this planet.

    Don’t forget that you don’t. That’s not what you are here for!

    Let’s make this clear. Does a garden rake have rights? Does a couch have rights? Does a door mat have rights?

    Of course not. You are like those things. As a nice girl, you are a tool, here to be used by others for the purposes they intend, not to have any of that nasty stuff they call “free will.”

    If you feel tempted to make choices that might be in any way moving towards self gratification, you are falling into this trap.

    Like I said, I hesitate to even bring it up, because it would be better if you were simply ignorant of the massive evils that exist on this planet.

    Yet in this case, just a little bit of knowledge is the best defense. Your awareness may just save you when you bump into your old girlfriend on the street and she tempts you to go do something fun for yourself – and when you tell her you’ve got errands to do for your family – she starts asking probing questions about your home life (and she asks you about that bruise on your cheek – how intrusive)!

    So, just be aware, be very cautious, that there are many people who will present themselves in the disguise of old friends, college professors, social workers, counselors, and even TV personalities who will falsely tell you that you have rights and power.

    Just remember: as a nice girl, you don’t. It really is that simple, and so just don’t let yourself get confused by all the mumbo jumbo that floats around in our modern culture that would get you confused about that.

    9. Pass it on to your daughters. This is the ninth and final rule of being a nice girl. It is a simple one. Make sure to print out this rule set, and from the moment your daughter is born, to indoctrinate her with this.

    Make sure that she doesn’t get swayed early on by nosy day care workers or educators who might inform her of her rights. (really, rights for her are a lie: she has none but what you give her, and you want her to conform to the nice girl code of conduct).

    Make sure that you keep her out of the public school system, and away from anyone who could give her toxic ideas about so-called “rights.” Remember, her destiny is far higher. It is to be in the service of others. That is what will assure her spot in heaven when she’s done with this life. There is no higher path, and no better thing that you can do for her!

    So guard and shield your daughter from any undue, empowering influence! It is your highest and best function as a nice girl mom!

    Those are the rules, now a final word

    Nice girls play nice, act nice, and think nice thoughts. They practice total self-control at all times. They do not slip.

    Now, some homework. As you read over those rules, Identify the 2-3 places where you are most out of alignment with being a nice girl and get to work immediately on fixing it. You don’t have much time, because someone might discover that you are not nice and then you’re done for. So understand that there’s some real urgency to this!

    Get on it, nice girl! Go be nice! Go light up their lives in your beautiful self-sacrifice! Rah Rah!

    Author’s note:

    If you haven’t figured (and I sure hope that you have, or else you really are a nice girl!!), this is satire. And there’s a specific reason for it.

    In my work with people identifying “belief programming” that holds us back, I’ve seen patterns in women – and I’m talking about highly educated women often with PhD’s and MD’s – that reflect a lot of this stuff.

    And often this highly educated woman is doing it in ways so subtle she has no clue that she’s doing it, and then she wonders why she struggles so much.

    This may seem to be a little extreme, and yet, despite years of so-called “progress” – we still teach many girls this stuff. (e.g. I see it on playgrounds regularly – the differential treatment of many parents towards boys versus girls).

    Even in the 2010’s, there’s plenty of talk about how women still, after 50 years of working on it, don’t get equal pay to men, and how there’s bias against us.

    What about our own bias against ourselves, programmed from a very early age, that says that we have to shut up and take it, or else get thrown out of the nice girl club?

    It is my bet that if we were willing to take responsibility for this bogus programming we accepted from others as we grew up – and now throw it overboard, we’d have pay equity.

    The difference is especially stark with female business owners who are friends and/or clients. The difference in income between most of us and the “equivalent” male is big (often 2-3X or more).

    This is not something being “done to us” as business owners – it’s something we do to ourselves. And I believe we do it because we are still caught up in this bogus belief system about playing nice and being nice – which holds us back.

    So if this little article helped you identify how silly this belief system is, and be a bit repulsed by it, then it has served its purpose.

    And, by the way, I do think that being a gracious human being is generally a good practice for everyone (men and women alike). But there is a huge distinction between being generally gracious versus being a nice-girl doormat. Many women are way too far towards the nice-girl doormat end of the spectrum.

    Now, Go Live and Create!

  • Declaration of Boundary

    Declaration of Boundary

    DECLARATION of BOUNDARY. No more “FREE” ride.

    In the past two years:

    I helped one person get her email list going and get at least 20k worth of new clients, along with building massive momentum forward in her business… for FREE.

    I helped another person clarify his business and immediately double his revenues… along with sorting out a lot of other issues holding him back from building a 500k/yr business… for FREE

    I helped a third person work through personal issues and overcome multiple hurdles in balancing a very challenging day job with building a business… bringing in 10’s of thousands of dollars of clients…for FREE

    and the list goes on (I have more examples, I just don’t want it to become a ridiculously long post)

    Doing this for FREE is disrespectful of myself and my family. It is disrespectful of people who do pay for my help. It is disrespectful to the person receiving the “free” help, because it’s the equivalent of taking without giving, causing a karmic imbalance.

    Each of these people I helped were PAYING other mentors at the time I helped them, and used that as a reason to justify why they wanted to continue getting FREE help and input from me.

    I know that I caused this. Nobody is to blame but myself. I have held poor boundaries on the value of what I do.

    So, this is a public declaration of a new boundary: if you want my help fixing your work, your business, or your life, don’t come to me looking for “FREE.” Nothing is truly “FREE” and you get what you pay for.

    I do damn good work for my clients. I love them and help them deeply. From now on I’ll be focusing all my efforts on those who understand and value that.

    And – if you are someone who likes to approach people and get “free” advice, think about how the world will mirror that back to you in your work or business.