Freaking out, coming out: being authentic is hard

Balanced rock

I stand for alignment. My goal for all my friends and clients is to get them aligned with who they are at the core so that they can live life to its fullest. That’s what alignment does…

But sometimes alignment can be freaky scary. Like it is for me now.

I’ve known that I needed to write this post for a while. Over a month, in fact. But I held off, because my ego has been scared – and has found every reason in the world to procrastinate and delay. And so it didn’t happen.

Yet what always happens when we operate knowingly out of alignment is that life gives us wake up calls. It knocks on our door and says:

Hey, this is life calling on you, reminding you to get back into alignment! And don’t worry, I am ever patient. If you don’t listen to my message this time, I’ll come back again with a larger and louder message later! Eventually you will hear me, but the longer you wait, the “harder” the lesson of alignment will seem from your perspective. So you might as well get on with it now….

I had a wake up message. It was simply an internal “meltdown” of sorts where I just couldn’t get anything to work. I felt stuck, frustrated, blocked, and depressed.

Alright, life, I will heed your message. I will do what I need to do to get into better alignment. I have heard your message that I need to be authentic about a big change that has been happening. I will act.

And so I write the rest of this blog post. I write it as a conversation between EGO and HS (higher self). This is the internal conversation I’ve been having about this next phase of my own alignment. You may find it useful as you tackle your own alignment issues – especially worrying about “what others will think.”

EGO: You know, HS, some people are going to really judge us and hate us for this. We might get drawn into more of those lengthy time and energy-wasting debates about whether we are “right” on this.

HS: Debates are something that ego does. There is no “right” perspective except for the one that works for you! There is no need to defend it. You live in a rich, wide-open world where you can connect with the people that resonate with who you are, and disconnect from those who don’t. You don’t “need” those people who are critical to be safe, happy, or connected.

EGO: That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to put “food on the table.” You weren’t the one that had to figure out how to stage a comeback after mom walked out the door when we were two years old, or how to deal with all those bullies who tried to beat us to a pulp in school. You get to sit there on your high horse, talking about higher path, while I have to deal with issues of our basic survival in the 3D world. I have done a pretty good job in keeping us safe, now haven’t I?

HS: You have done a commendable job of the survival act. But life is far richer for a human than just “surviving” and staying “safe.” Those things work – for a while. However, no human – you included – is here just to “survive.” You are here to immerse yourself in the richness and fullness of your creative experience, and you can’t do that by operating from your defensive platform. Yes, you will “survive” but you will never be fulfilled or come into alignment with who you truly are as a magnificent being.

EGO: Okay, but if I tell them about this “psychic” thing I’ve been doing, I worry that I will lose a lot of my friends and followers who just think that’s a bunch of bullcrap foisted on them by people reading Tarot cards in back alley parlors. It hurts to lose people – to lose friends and people who have valued and respected me for all this time.

HS: If they decide to go away because you “come out” as a psychic, were they true friends to begin with? Of course not. You have tried for too many years to “fit in to be liked and respected” – and that has come at a great cost to you. It has literally cost you your soul. No, your Soul is not gone, but when you play your Ego games of trying to “be what you think they want you to be” just to get their approval or appreciation, you disconnect from your Soul. You lose your power and your alignment, and that leads you back into a constant struggle for survival. You have to work really hard to make things happen, rather than operating from alignment, where work is easy, fun, and rewarding. You can chose this path of misalignment if you wish, but you will also suffer the consequences.

EGO: But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m making all of this up? What if the “intuitive hits” that I get when working with a client are all just a bunch of random, meaningless stuff that’s misleading both me and the people I work with?

HS: Why do you doubt yourself so? Because of a few random skeptics and cynics out there? Look at how much you have helped people transform their lives, careers, and businesses. You are conscientious and you care. You want to do the right thing, but you often take it too far – to the point of holding yourself back from helping those you can help. It is useful in this kind of work to have some self-doubt, because it is possible to deceive oneself – just like in any area of life. Those who have none are a bit “reckless” – but those who have too much, like you, are too prone to withdraw, to hold back, and to not share their gifts with the world. And this is a profound gift you have at this particular time and place. While there are plenty of people who have this type of gift, very very few who have your training and background have opened themselves up to this kind of work – bringing together both the rational/scientist perspective and the intuitive perspective that you get when you “tune in.” This is precious beyond measure for those who are open to it. Will you withhold your gifts from them?

EGO: I’ve tried this route of “just being myself” and “coming out.” It is painful. For example, a few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about my belief in a deeper source/God/whatever – and while there was some support, there were also those cynics and skeptics who came out of the closet to attack! I am sick of fighting those people, it is distracting and energy draining! It reminds me of being back in school, dealing with the bullies!

HS: Why do you give them “airtime” in your head? This is not grade school, and they have no power over you whatsoever, except that which you give them. Why do you make the choice to give them that? You have this misguided notion from your “science” that you have to carefully consider all points of view, but you have no obligation to do that.

How many scientists that you know are truly that open minded? 

EGO: Zero

HS: While science holds the lofty goal of being truly “objective” you well know that there is no such thing that actually takes place in real-world science. You know that science operates based on frames and belief systems which are far from objective. If you choose to, you can adopt a different frame or belief system which serves you better, such as this frame that you are doing “psychic” work, along with the evidence you’ve gathered to back it up.

However, there is no need to “prove” that to anyone but yourself. If you’re going to do something – anything – in life, it is vital that you are in alignment with it, that you believe in it. Otherwise, fundamental disharmony occurs, and that leads to friction. Just like when having sex, too much friction can be painful 😉

EGO: But wait, in science many people have been punished for going against the “party line.” In fact, many people who eventually became Nobel Laureates, such as Daniel Schectman for his quasicrystal discovery and Barry Marshall for his discovery of H. Pylori in ulcers, suffered greatly at the judgement of their peers. It took them years of being ridiculed and denied funding before their “heretical” ideas became mainstream. Or the guy from UC Berkeley who had an alternative theory of AIDS and was pushed out of his career. It is dangerous to go against the grain in science!

At this point in history, it’s perhaps more dangerous than speaking out against certain religious beliefs and practices!

HS: Why did you leave your science career? What was the REAL reason?

EGO: To no longer feel like I was constrained in expressing myself about what I really think is going on. I was tired of having to “buy into” the conventional (conservative) notions of how our world works in order to get grant funding and any semblance of recognition. I got quite good at “playing the game of being acceptable” but the more I did it, the more it made me sick. The dishonesty, the front, the “pretend to be normal” was just awful. I was getting sick all the time, and I was miserable – despite great funding, respect, and a big lab. It just all felt so FAKE to me!

HS: So you left. You risked everything in the name of freedom. Kudos to you! This is a perfect illustration of the idea that “security is not enough.” It is about the freedom to express what you truly believe, and to use that to help those who are open to a new point of view. One which some people – albeit a minority – are primed and ready for. 

And yet, here you are, five years past leaving that faculty job, and you still feel constrained by the same old rules. You fear that if you speak your truth, they may “yank your funding!” You are doing nothing but letting that small-minded, conservative way of being infect your current reality, even though you are FREE of it!

If there are people in your life – be they friends, clients, or even family – who cannot accept you for who you really are, and what you really believe, then they are an energy drain. Choosing to have them in your life is not going to support you, and you would be well-served by letting them go.

The “coming out” process can be seen as a purge of sorts. You get to see who your “true friends” are, and also those who were your “fake friends” that really just wanted what you’ve got (the perceived success, freedom, wealth, etc). Yet those who have clung to you wanting “what you’ve got” will never get it, because they are so disconnected from themselves. They can go find another guru to follow, one who feeds off that kind of thing. That’s not you. You are here to help those who truly want to better themselves, by connecting more deeply with themselves. Those people will understand and appreciate the power of living into your own truth, and the example that you set.

EGO: But wait! I’ve already had too many coming outs. They are exhausting! I came out of the closet about the gender thing, and that was a years long process. I came out about being fed up with the science career. I came out about feeling like a Liar and Fraud, and that was exhausting too. I’ve done enough “coming out.” Why can’t I just be normal, and live an easy, straightforward life? What the hell? This is too much work!

HS: Yours is a path of living as an example. You are here to help people live into their own truth. That process can be painful, as this world is not set up to support that. It is also highly rewarding in the end. Consider this: if you could go back and “do over” your decision to come out about your gender dysphoria, would you reverse your decision? Or was the pain of going through that whole process ultimately worth it?

EGO: The pain was worth it. I would do it again. But it was scary as hell, and the only reason I did it was because of my unborn daughter. I couldn’t fathom having a broken relationship based on a lie with her. So I faced the fear and the pain, and went ahead. I’m not sure I could do that again, without a very strong reason like that. And now I’m being confronted with having to do it again. I. Just. Really. Don’t. Want. To!

HS: C’mon – this is like a little pebble next to the boulder that was your gender “coming out.” There you risked everything – your family, your job, your friends – everything. Here you risk almost nothing, except for drawing the minor ire of a few friends or clients. And the rewards of “being yourself” are huge. Given the role that you play in people’s lives, the more you be “true to yourself,” the more powerful an example you set for them. 

They do not learn as much from your words as they do from your example. If you want to expand your reach of helping people, being authentic is the only way to go. This move is the next big step in that authenticity. Talking about this subject of “being a psychic” is culturally more taboo now than the topic of gender transitions – yet it is also sorely needed by many who feel so lost and confused by the materialist model they’ve been fed that has told them they are nothing more than a random byproduct of inert lumps of matter. They crave an alternative, yet one that doesn’t take them back to the old ways of top-heavy religious doctrine. You can help them with that, if you step up to the plate!

EGO: Ok. Fuck it. I give up. You are right again, damn you. I hate it when I get talked into a corner and proven “wrong!” Argh. I surrender!!

HS: As you know, that is the way. Each time you have fought against “the next step” in your life, the resistance and pain has grown and grown until you finally gave in and said “fuck it” – and then aligned with your new, higher path. And each time the rewards have been immense, have they not?? Surrender is a very practical state when it comes to your own higher path of self expression and authenticity. When you surrender to your higher path, the world opens to you!

EGO: I know you’re right, but you don’t need to rub it in! I got it. I will just do this thing and get on with it. Thank you!

HS: Thank you!!!


So there you have it. From Male to Female, and now from Scientist/Skeptic to Intuitive/Psychic. Wow.

I’ll be clear. This psychic thing isn’t what it’s made out to be in the movies. I don’t get massive inrushes of information every time I encounter another human being. I don’t see glowy auras or energy fields around people. In fact, I still often doubt myself that anything at all “unusual” is going on.

And yet: I do gain access to information about people that I could have had no other explanation. I.e. information about childhood events that they have never shared with me (or anyone). It is always gained through their permission, and only through a very systematic process of inquiry as part of an intention to help them.

The scientist in me hasn’t been abandoned. I crave to make the process as “scientific” (rational) as possible. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been “called” to explore this gift.

There are very few who do this kind of work that take it on with this perspective. I don’t at all relate to the people who hang out in crystal shops talking about woo woo stuff. No, I would rather be working on my computer, writing, or out on the whitewater than I would talking about crystal harmony or whatever.

Yet, I also can’t stand the status quo of things. The one that was programmed into us that says we are nothing more than clumps of dirt that have randomly evolved into fancier clumps of dirt. I can’t stand to see people living lives searching for meaning against such a meaningless backdrop of “you are nothing but a random blip” and “everything will eventually wind down into a bleak, cold heat death of our universe.”

My dissatisfaction with that mainstream status quo – supported often by both religions and science – led me on a quest to go deeper, and to explore the alternatives.

What I found has been a place where our entire universe is alive with consciousness and awareness. I have found a place where thought is primary and matter is a byproduct of thought, not the other way around. What I have found is that we are far more connected with other beings than our doctrinaire school systems would have us believe. And I have found that, with the right kind intentionality and practice, it is possible to “tune into” information that is not from an obvious source coming from our five senses.

That is my journey. It is who I am. You can love it or hate it. My ego surrenders to either one you may choose, because I know that this is the right path, for me. And I know that I can help those who are ready to be helped with what I know, because I’ve seen the transformative effect it has had for those who are open to it.

That is what I know, and that is the next step in my journey.

How about you? Are you being authentic to who you truly are at your core? If not, why not?

4 thoughts on “Freaking out, coming out: being authentic is hard

  1. Inspiring post, Morgan! It is beautiful to see your courage and authenticity shining…thanks for sharing your journey and lessons with us.

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